Gather ’round the fire kids and let me tell you about the space jamaicans versus the bugs and how they went on to produce the possibly worst series of movies ever known by man.
now, i’m not going to tarantino this, so we’ll start at the beginning and set the scene.
my father, god bless his soul, got the great idea that it would be a sweet family activity to see a movie all together, so far so good right? How about if that movie was Alien Versus Predator Requiem. Oh yeah, needless to say Hel and I were not amused.
we went in with no expectations and somehow both of us were still disappointed! Instead of me leaving you hanging like that though, let me fill you in on how such a great achievement is possible:
- Killing not one but TWO pregnant women, one of whom’s uterus explodes with baby aliens while she’s in labor.
- Facehuggers…modeled painstakingly in 3D.
- More blood than in most small town blood-banks
- Carcasses that have been skinned alive, only they don’t cut away while the guys are getting skinned
- Pregnant women die gruesomely. PREGNANT WOMEN.
- when the facehuggers pop out of a chest, they actually move and wiggle…i liked it when they were like alien penises
- Dead babies.
- oh, and just to piss you off the hot blonde love interest gets skewered right at the end WITH NO NUDE SCENE..AAAAAUGH!
Pretty much one of the highlights was sitting in the theatre with Hel and my little brother calling out who dies and survives waaay before it happened. Mystery Science Theater 3k would be proud. 
So yes there was some kind of story about a spaceship crashing in colorado involving some sort of crappy love subplot, but oh wait, she dies and there’s some sort of flirting going on between the obligatory soldier-women character and the badass maing guy character man but lo, none of that was ever developed in lieu of more gore…and dying pregnant women.
sigh.
so yes. this gets a negative twenty-six on a scale of zero to ten for movies, so that means my recent roll over vehicle crash was more fun by a factor of about six. really though if you ask me it needs more gore. it just wasn’t gory enough.
in case you didn’t get the point that the movie is absolute and total crap, the trailer is after the cut.
Filed under: Hel, Ryan, blah. blah. blah., but someone has to do it!, haha...being famous won't make you invincible!, jesus h. christ what the hell were you thinking?! | Tagged: alien, arnold, avp, avpr, awful, colorado, crap, future, Hel, horrible, movie, predator, requiem, review, Ryan, space, theater, theatre, turd
In fairness, if you took this seriously then there is something wrong with you. This film, while admittedly flawed is hilarious. Go see it again with the mentality of going to watch a comedy and I’m sure it will all click in to place.
p.s.
The love story was obviously between the predator and the big alien thing, did you not see when they got a bit close and personal? It was truly heart warming!